"A Guide to Men" by Helen Rowland - 11 - Woman and Her Infinite Variety

WOMAN-AND HER INFINITE VARIETY (A LEAF FROM ADAM'S DICTIONARY.) WOMAN-A divine creation for the comfort and amusement of mankind. RIB-That part of man's self of which he thinks the least and brags the most. WIFE (The Inferior Fraction)-The excuse for all a man's sins, the cause of all his failings, the keeper of his conscience, the guardian of his digestion, and the repository of his grouches. BETTER-HALF-The half that is always left at home. COQUETTE-Any woman who is so unreasonable as not to return a man's affections. FLIRT-Any woman, over whom a man has insisted on making a fool of himself. OLD MAID-An unmarried woman with more wrinkles than money.[110] BACHELOR GIRL-An unmarried woman with more money than wrinkles. KITTEN-Any woman under sixty for whom a man feels a temporary tenderness. QUEEN-A pretty woman whom a man has not yet kissed. "IDEAL"-The particular woman, to whom a man happens to be making love. CLINGING VINE-A woman who allows her husband to think that he is having his own way. HELPMATE-A combination of playmate, soul-mate, and light-running domestic. GODDESS-An impossible woman, who exists only in novels and in a man's imagination. PARAGON-The kind of woman a man ought to marry, wants to marry, intends to marry-and never does. PESSIMISM IS A MAN'S NATURAL REACTION AFTER TOO MUCH OF ANYTHING-WINE, LOVE, FOOD, FLIRTATION OR OPTIMISM MAXIMS OF CLEOPATRA 1 THESE three things Man feareth: Oysters out of season, A Babe that plays with fire, and a Woman who can reason! 2 Last year's sandals and yesterday's fish, Last night's kisses and last week's wish Are, to a Man, things gone and past; Likewise the woman before the last! [113] 3 The soul of a man is white-or black, or yellow, or dun; But a woman's soul is a rainbow and a Roman sash in one. 4 Empty the words of the prayer, when the Pharisee prayeth aloud; Empty the words of love, when he praiseth thee in a crowd. Yet, he that is cold in the crowd, but seeketh thine ear when alone, In the land of the Great God Isis by the name of "Cad" shall be known. [114] 5 As the pearl that I dropped in the glass can never again be mine, So many a pearl of woman's love hath a man dissolved-in wine. 6 Geese walk not alone; sheep will follow sheep; So this little maxim I would have ye keep: Would ye conquer all men, make a fool of one- The rest will turn toward thee, as lilies to the sun. [115] 7 The young man calleth for wine, the old for crystal water. Seek not to enslave a boy till thou art thirty, Daughter. 8 When the game is over, vain the loser's sigh. To thy parting lover, wave a gay good-by! 'Neath the storm-cloud bending, see the lily laugh. If Love's reign be ending-write his epitaph! Deck his grave with iris; blot away his name. Isis and Osiris, make thy Daughter game! [116] 9 Flatter him boldly, Daughter, be he old or wise or callow; For there is no meed of flattery that a man will fail to swallow. Yet, after a time, desist; lest perchance, in his vanity, He wonder why such a demi-god should stoop to a worm like thee! 10 Call the bald man, "Boy;" make the sage thy toy; Greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace.